🚨 BREAKING: NOAH JUST ASKED "HOW TO DOWNLOAD GOOGLE" 🚨 HE CODES IN MICROSOFT WORD 🚨 HE USES LIGHT MODE AT 3AM 🚨 ABSOLUTE TECH DISASTER DETECTED 🚨

NOAH'S TECH
TRASH-INFO

"I thought the Cloud was actually in the sky?" - Noah

NOAH'S "CERTIFICATIONS"

PhD in Blue Screens

Awarded for crashing a computer just by looking at it. A true menace to silicon.

Master of Spilling Water

Has destroyed 14 keyboards this month alone. Keep beverages at least 50ft away.

ACTUAL TECH KNOWLEDGE:

PC Building -50%
Cable Management 0% (Spaghetti)
Confidence (Unearned) 1000%

THE "PREMIUM OFFICE" SCAM

He pretends to be high-class to charge you double.
HE IS LYING TO YOU.

WHAT HE CLAIMS

📍 Canary Wharf

"I operate out of a high-rise fintech hub with enterprise-grade fiber."

HOURLY RATE: £200

THE REALITY

📍 E15 Stratford (Eww)

"Actually works behind a dumpster using stolen McDonald's Wi-Fi."

ACTUAL VALUE: £0.05
⚠️ WARNING: HE USES THE CANARY WHARF POSTCODE ON INVOICES TO CHARGE 500% MARKUP FOR RESTARTING YOUR ROUTER.

REVIEWS WRITTEN BY A TODDLER?

NO. WRITTEN BY NOAH.

THE "SMART" ROCK

"It has no bloatware! Battery life is infinite! Best tech of 2025!"

- Noah trying to sell gravel

BLUETOOTH HOSE

"Water is wireless now guys! I don't know why my house is flooding!"

- Noah destroying his home

INVISIBLE MONITOR

"The resolution is so high I can't even see the screen! Or the frame! Or the stand!"

- Noah getting scammed

NOAH'S GARBAGE RIG